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Marriage Counseling - Affairs & Infidelity - Relationship Problems

Accepting a Partners Limitations by "Alex" Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW

 

    A key component of a happy marriage is when both partners are able to accept the other person just as they are. This is not to say that the occasional nudge towards change is not needed, but rather an understanding is required that people are who they are, and that no one is perfect. Each of us has our own unique limitations.

In an ideal world, prior to marriage, one would take the time and ask oneself:

·         Do I respect my partner?

·         Do I enjoy my partner’s struggle? Meaning, do I enjoy the way my partner approaches difficulty.

·         Can I live with my partners limitations? For example, she/he is allergic to nuts, thus I will have to have a nut free home. My partner struggles with a mental illness, and there are times when she/he will simply be unavailable to me. 

·         Am I happy with my partner, just the way she/he is? Or am I secretly hoping she/he will change with time.

If you are struggling with learning how to accept a partner’s limitations try the following exercise:

·         Describe your partner’s limitation (s).

·         Describe your partner’s strength (s).

·         When is your partner’s strength a limitation?

·         When is your partner’s limitation a strength?

·         Which limitations of your partners are ‘his fault’ or ‘fixable?’ Does this make a difference to you? 

·         What are your limitations and strengths?

·         Which limitations are fixable?

·         How do your limitations impact your partner’s limitations?

·         How do your strengths impact your partner’s limitations?

After you have answered all the questions, ask your partner to do the same thing. Now compare and contrast both sets of answers. How do the lists match? And Differ? Which of the strengths and limitations are most important to you and why? What was the marital contract that the two of you made when you first got together? Has it changed? And if so, is that part of the reason you are more bothered by his limitations. For example, if in the marital contract – which is rarely articulated – he was supposed to care for you financially, and in exchange, you were supposed to help him socially?

    Usually there will be some slight differences. Often couples do not agree upon what is a strength and what is a limitation. Now, together talk about which strengths and weaknesses are most important to each of you, and why. Of the limitations that you decided were important to you, how changeable are they? Together, can the two of you develop a strategy of change..

Sooner, Rather than Later

Tom Winner, MFT
February 8, 2010

    Many couples seem to think of therapy as a last resort, a final effort to save a relationship that has been battered by years or even decades of emotional pain. Resentment, shame, jealousy, hurt, contempt and other negative emotions tend to steep, and just like tea or coffee they tend to get stronger the longer that they brew. It’s a testament to both the effectiveness of couples therapy and the resilience of relationships that we can often help couples in crisis find a way to heal these wounds and rebuild their relationship. But it shouldn’t have to get to that point.

    I’ve had the good fortune of having the opportunity to treat a few brave couples who came in to see me quite early in their relationship. Some might think this is a sign, a variation of “if you’ve only been together a year and you already need therapy, it just wasn’t meant to be.” I have to admit that early on in my training when I first started to see couples, I had the same thought. But, as they often do, my clients taught me and proved me wrong. Those same couples that came in early in their relationships tended not only to accomplish their goals, but to do so more quickly and more thoroughly than couples who came in later in their relationship. It’s tempting to think that this might be because the newer couples were coming in with less serious problems, but that certainly wasn’t the case. These men and women were dealing with traumatic events ranging from infidelity to serious sexual problems, and first sessions were often filled with the same intense emotions that some veteran couples display. Clearly these weren’t minor scuffles or disagreements.

    So why did the newer couples succeed so dramatically? I think there are a number of reasons, and foremost among them is time. Negative emotions take their toll, not just in the moment but over time. If given enough time, even relatively minor negative experiences can snowball into something much more significant. A few bad sexual encounters might lead to anxiety and avoidance, which might in turn build up resentment slowly over time. It’s tempting to push that resentment or anxiety out of mind and remain willfully ignorant of a developing problem; we’ve all done that before. Over the long term though, such a stance is highly unproductive. We give bad patterns a chance to become routine, part of what each partner expects from the relationship. Contempt and resentment often follow, and when the couple finally comes to my office, each partner is deeply entrenched in this long, painful experience. When a couple comes in earlier, there is less history. The patterns aren’t so deeply ingrained, and it’s easier to imagine something more positive. It’s easier to be motivated by the potential for change rather than being bogged down by the weight of history.

    Does this mean that all hope is gone for the longer relationships? Of course not. We have much success in treating motivated couples who want a better a relationship. But I often wonder, if these same couples who come in after years of distress can find hope and change through therapy, how much time, money and suffering might they have saved themselves if they started the process earlier? Perhaps the very points of crisis they deal with today might never have occurred had they come in during the early stages of their relationship.

    The biggest tip I can give people in relationships is to schedule that check-up. Don’t be afraid of what it says about you and your relationship. It’s one of the wisest investments you can make in your future. Come in and see a therapist early, before problems get out of control. After all, if a major appliance breaks would you tinker with it yourself for years before taking it in for professional maintenance? You might even consider coming in before problems develop – you’ll be amazed at what you learn and you’ll set yourself on a path of understanding, compassion, growth and love.

Tom Winner, MFT is a Staff Therapist at CFR’s Center City and Institute for Sex Therapy offices. He can be reached at 215-382-6680 ext. 4266.